Author: Blane Zhu
Instagram: @blane.z
Sent on Monday, January 27th, 11:28PM.
Subject:
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
As I write this, entire cities are falling apart in China.
People are trapped and unable to reunite with their parents.
Schools close. Museums close. Trains stop. Airplanes get stored away.
Only things that are open:
Hospitals.
The billions of mouths
behind face masks,
in hushed exchanges.
My mouth opens
As mother’s words
Strike like a gong:
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
I didn’t know why
She needed to feel
A connection that couldn’t
Last for longer than a
“Are you ok”
Or “I’m just fine”
Or I could just show her
My face
Or I could hide
Until tomorrow
When she stops thinking about me
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
I read the news again.
Spreads to the Americas. Hong Kong. Thailand. Australia.
Death toll confirmed.
Authorities will “try their hardest” to respond.
Death toll rises.
First death confirmed in Beijing.
My home city.
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
I don’t know what my parents are up to.
I don’t know where my relatives have traveled.
I don’t know if they made dumplings.
(It’s Spring Festival, so they usually put a coin in one of them for good luck.)
I can’t see what they are seeing in front of their eyes.
I am just an icon on an interface, left open & blank.
I filled myself up on deadlines & due dates
Stretching from now until February 15th
Listening to music for sleep
Hoping, dreaming
That I won’t receive another text that says
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
I’m afraid I cannot answer this question.
I know I should.
I should apologize.
The average time of my weekly video calls
Stands at about 30 minutes
30 minutes
Is more than enough to say hello
To say I feel
To say I care
To say anything
“Do You Have a Home? Do You Feel Warmth? Do You Know How To Care For Your Family?”
I didn’t call last weekend.
I didn’t know what I was up to
Besides being who I thought I should be.
I didn’t feel. I didn’t read the news.
I pinched myself onto a cloud
Until the arrow
The one breaking in from dawn
Bearing the news
Came spiraling in list format:
What are you up to in your college process? Are we not supposed to care about your future?
The coronavirus outbreak is affecting everyone, yet we have not heard a single word of concern from you to your relatives. Do they have a place in your heart?
It is Spring Festival. No wishes from you have been received. Who amongst your peers is acting like this?
You are almost 18 now.
Seeing you like this makes my heart cold.
I don’t know what type of person you will become in the future.